I am honestly not sure why as humans we feel the need to label every single thing. Oh, wait yes, I do. We do it so that we can feel safe and happy. We label things so that we can put them in those little boxes we all have and then once things have a label, they will never be able to change. I feel like this is done with people as well. I try hard to keep an open mind and not judge or label. It is human nature to want to do so. ( Trust me, there are a lot of psychological studies on this and I had to read many).

I guess the reason I am so against labeling things and people is because it was done to me and then no matter how I changed, those labels never did.. People used them to define me and put me in their little boxes and when I had enough, I left. Yep. Up and left. No telling anyone anything. *Poof* Elvis has left the building, ya’all.

While that was most likely an overly dramatic way to make my point, it felt good. Starting over with what I could basically fit in the car. Bringing important things with me and leaving stuff that was no longer me behind. The further away I got the freer I felt. Now, honestly, I do not recommend picking up and leaving every time something is not 100% right because life is a process, much like therapy, you have to put the work in to get good stuff out.

For me, back then, there was no choice. I had enough. No one was letting me out of my box to grow (that includes my own mother). I wanted to go to school and people told me that I could not make it. Well, they were wrong. I have degrees. Well, 1 and 1/2 of them. The fact that those people never wanted to help me and always called me when they needed help because they knew I would be there, that showed me that I was right, it was time to go.

Sometimes, life is about change. Changing your friends, changing jobs, houses, schools, etc… Other times it about changing your life. Back then, my life needed changing. I did not like who I was becoming and the only way to fix that was to get away from those who I was becoming.

It did me a world of good, but because I was in hurry to make my great escape, I failed to see what I was getting into. Nothing horribly bad, but a relationship that went no where for a very long time because I had no place to go and he did not want to be alone. My life is now great, I have a beautiful son. A husband who loves me dearly. Life is good! Don’t get me wrong, we have hard times and easy times.. but right now, is the best my life has been. I am truly happy and not trying to convince myself everything is okay. I am content for the first time in my life. Not looking for the next best thing.

I am still trying to understand why we label every little thing in this life, but for now I am just going to say because it is what we as humans do. Sad explanation, I know. Just as a disclaimer, not every one labels or judges, I for one do not.



Decisions Made and Decisions Thought About

Life lately has been hectic for me. Not enough sleep, not eating well enough or even enough. I am tired almost every single day and now I am fighting off something. Ugh! I am not getting enough anything to actually make myself feel better. Taking my prenatal vitamins and drinking OJ everyday to try and kick what ever this is out. I am trying to deal with this like an adult, but honestly all I wanna do is pitch a fit and take a nap! Apparently being an adult is lost on me.

I feel like a total loser because hubby has worked like 69 hours already this pay period and I am so exhausted that I can’t even remember normal things like name, rank and serial number. I wanna beg him for one day that I can just sleep and not have any responsibilities, but I feel that would be so very unfair as he has worked all week as well. Sigh. No help near by either. His family is in California and mine, well, they are not speaking to me.

I am so sorry for my whiny tone, but I am sick. I am tired. If you were looking for a intelligent blog post, well, maybe tomorrow or the day after that. I have been thinking about homeschooling Jeff when he gets old enough to go to pre school (which is about 2 years old depending on the kid). I keep seeing and hearing about how horrible the school system is and honestly with my first son and all the learning issues he went through and all I went though to help him get the help he needed, I would just love to bypass all that garbage this time.

So, far all his family has been wonderful about our decision to do this. I do have a plan, mostly I will home school preschool and pre Kindergarten and if that works out well, then I will continue on. My goal is to never have to enroll him in public schools and honestly with all the horrible violence and crap going on in the school systems these days, this seems like the more safer and intelligent option. I am trying to be the best mom I can be and give my son the best education I can.

Life is sure different these days! Hubby may have to have surgery to reconstruct his ACL, okay not only reconstruct but actually add another one. He hurt himself nine years ago in the Active duty Army and they did NOTHING to fix it. So, now he has NO ACL. He has scar tissue where it is supposed to be. He has reinjured it multiple times and nothing was ever done until now. He will be fitted with an ACL brace and then the options will be given to him. Our best scenario plan is he has surgery and continues in the military. The other option is for him to be medically discharged.

We have money options for both to consider. So lots going on here! I have missed blogging but never have much time to actually sit down and write. I am trying to make time for me to do the things I love so I won’t go crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, but honestly, I am still adjusting to this new life. Jeff is now 5 months old and progressing so very quickly! He is amazing every single day. It blows me away!

Well, I am going to run for now..


Life is Grand

I have let this blog lay dormant for a while because I have been mommy blogging lately. Jeff is now four months old and progressing so very quickly! I honestly am not sure exactly where the time went! I came back here because honestly I did miss blogging for me and me alone. What I mean by that is I am not updating family with this blog, this is where I can write for me. I can say what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I love keeping Michael’s family updated on what is happening with pictures and words, but I miss just sitting down with my lap top and writing about what ever comes into my head. So, here I am today.

Today is Michael’s birthday and he is working. He finally found a job that gives him decent hours and pay. He works like 16-18 hours a day most days but I know he does it for us. If I were to put Jeff in daycare, then find a job, my paycheck would be eaten by daycare basically. So, right now, I am a Stay at Home Mom. Honestly, that is the hardest job I have ever had. Especially now.

Life is good right now and I am happy. I am still in constant pain every single day, but I am working on that. My doctor has told me if I lose approximately ten pounds that it would make a huge difference. So, I am struggling to lose weight again. If it does not help, then we move forward with more medical tests to find out what is going on with me. I am still so very tired, but now I have an infant to show for it and people seem to understand better why I am tired all the time.

Things between Michael and I were tested by his mother of all people earlier this week. She did not know that she was walking on thin ice, but we got through it and are better because of it. We talked about the issue at hand which had something to do with his ex-wife and we got through it with no problem. My relationship with Michael is so different than those before it, we actually communicate with each other. Take the time to talk about things and make sure that we are on the same page as it were. I tell him everything and don’t keep secrets, something that I have never done before. It is nice to be able to tell him everything.

Well, I gotta run, Jeff is playing my song!


What is Going On

PTSD ribbon I know I have been absent lately here and on Everything but the Kitchen Sink, I have been dealing with some health issues that I am not quite sure what they are. Some days I am just so damn tired that I can hardly do anything. Some days I can do some stuff around the house, but not nearly as much as I could before. I have had to lean heavily on Army Boy and that frustrates me. He says he does not mind, but I do.

Hopefully I will have enough money to go see a doctor because right now I don’t have insurance and until Army Boy and I get married, I can’t go to the VA for health care. It is really a vicious circle here. I won’t bore you with details of my health issues, but I am battling everyday and not giving up.

It would almost be easier if I was suffering from depression but that is not it at all. I am not sad, in fact, I am the happiest I have ever been lately. In other news, Army Boy has lost 30 pounds over the last few months! I am so very proud of him! He is doing fantastic!!

I am going to go for now, I will try to get back here and the cooking blog more often.