I am honestly not sure why as humans we feel the need to label every single thing. Oh, wait yes, I do. We do it so that we can feel safe and happy. We label things so that we can put them in those little boxes we all have and then once things have a label, they will never be able to change. I feel like this is done with people as well. I try hard to keep an open mind and not judge or label. It is human nature to want to do so. ( Trust me, there are a lot of psychological studies on this and I had to read many).

I guess the reason I am so against labeling things and people is because it was done to me and then no matter how I changed, those labels never did.. People used them to define me and put me in their little boxes and when I had enough, I left. Yep. Up and left. No telling anyone anything. *Poof* Elvis has left the building, ya’all.

While that was most likely an overly dramatic way to make my point, it felt good. Starting over with what I could basically fit in the car. Bringing important things with me and leaving stuff that was no longer me behind. The further away I got the freer I felt. Now, honestly, I do not recommend picking up and leaving every time something is not 100% right because life is a process, much like therapy, you have to put the work in to get good stuff out.

For me, back then, there was no choice. I had enough. No one was letting me out of my box to grow (that includes my own mother). I wanted to go to school and people told me that I could not make it. Well, they were wrong. I have degrees. Well, 1 and 1/2 of them. The fact that those people never wanted to help me and always called me when they needed help because they knew I would be there, that showed me that I was right, it was time to go.

Sometimes, life is about change. Changing your friends, changing jobs, houses, schools, etc… Other times it about changing your life. Back then, my life needed changing. I did not like who I was becoming and the only way to fix that was to get away from those who I was becoming.

It did me a world of good, but because I was in hurry to make my great escape, I failed to see what I was getting into. Nothing horribly bad, but a relationship that went no where for a very long time because I had no place to go and he did not want to be alone. My life is now great, I have a beautiful son. A husband who loves me dearly. Life is good! Don’t get me wrong, we have hard times and easy times.. but right now, is the best my life has been. I am truly happy and not trying to convince myself everything is okay. I am content for the first time in my life. Not looking for the next best thing.

I am still trying to understand why we label every little thing in this life, but for now I am just going to say because it is what we as humans do. Sad explanation, I know. Just as a disclaimer, not every one labels or judges, I for one do not.



We Moved and the STORY

Okay we have safely moved and as I promised I will tell the story on how we got into that big mess in the first place. First of all let me be absolutely clear here, my hubby is an amazing man who works as much as possible so that I can stay home with our child and take care of him. Not to mention day care is insanely expensive and honestly I did it with my first 2 kids and regretted it. Anyway, back to the story… The place where we lived, I will call it the Bad Place had been taken over by another property management company a couple of years ago. I was willing to give them a chance because when they took over there were renovations going on and it was chaotic at best. Fast forward 2 years and it is still chaotic and there is ABSOLUTELY no communication between the office staff and the renter. Which is a bad thing.

We were late with the rent in February. We knew we would have to pay late fees and such and had accepted it. Hubby went to the office and talked to them about it. By the time he talked to them they had already FILED eviction papers with the court! Where we live there is a law that hurries evictions through in about 2 weeks. Yes, I know in other places (states and even other counties my state) they usually take 30 days or more, but not here. I looked into it. This was on Feb. 13th when we found out about this. They give us until the 6th to be late every month and since hubby gets paid every single week, we were hoping to have the rent. The reason for this happening is simple, We had to choose between rent and food. In my state we do not qualify for any kind of assistance, even though hubby is with National Guard.. This is honestly the first state I have ever lived in where we did not qualify for ANY kind of help at all. Food is expensive. Electricity is expensive. We had cut the electric bill as far down as we could unless we never had any thing on or plugged in except for the appliances. We were doing laundry once a week. No dishwasher. Making sure all the lights were not on if not being used. Shut computers totally off at night and flipping the switch on the power strip too.

Hubby makes a pretty decent check, but it was that pesky eating thing that was killing us! Not to mention in my state you HAVE to have renter’s insurance. Each property is different with amounts they want you to carry, but it is an extra expense. We did not have cable (got rid of it) changed Internet providers to a cheaper one. And yet here we were not able to pay rent. I am not exactly sure how that works. I know that with a child, it is even more expensive. Diapers, wipes, clothes… We get help from wonderful friends and family, but we have to bare some of the burden too. I get diapers online and they are so cheaper than in store, free shipping. My son is growing fast so clothes are essential for him.

We don’t have a car, so none of those expenses, but it is $30 a month for hubby’s bus pass. And if I need to go someplace then there is more bus fare or if God forbid the place is not on a bus line, a cab. Which is very expensive! It is hard living our life. We DO NOT go out. No movies, no dinners, no date night.. NOTHING. Yet, our relationship is strong and we are happy. Yeah I would LOVE to hire a babysitter and have an hour to do what I want, but it costs money. Since we moved we are paying less for rent, about $20 less for more space. April rent is free due to signing a long term lease in the new place. But back to the STORY.

We had to be in court on Feb 20th. Apparently, not communicating with people is a trend with the people who work at the Bad Place because they did not tell their lawyer some important facts, like we wanted to actually pay our rent, but because they had quickly filed papers, they quickly added $200 extra to the rent, so it went from about $800ish dollars with the late fees to being over $1000. No way we could afford that! Also forgot to mention the kid. Yep. The kid. They knew because when hubby would take him into the office to pay said rent, they would all oooo and ahhhh over him. They wanted us out on the 28th. We were asking for March 13th. We settled on March 6th by 5pm. If we were gone before that, then the Bad Place would not pursue the judgement against hubby and have to eat all $1000+ in rent and fees.

You bet your booty we were gone lock stock and barrel by the 4th. Cleaned it up on the 5th and returned the keys. Now honestly all the stress during all this made me feel worse than I had already. I was not sleeping and it was difficult to eat or even do anything. On the days we were moving out of the Bad Place, they decided to schedule the new appliance installations, but between a sign on the door and a conversation with the renovation team, they did not get in our way.. Yes, bad things happen to good families. I am grateful that a program helped us get the deposit together for the new place. I am grateful that I have such a wonderful hubby and I am grateful to my wonderfully amazing son as well..

I gotta run..


The Big 4-0

Well, this should explain how my 40th birthday started. I woke up with a horrible migraine complete with nausea, dizziness, and light sensitivity. Not the best way to start my birthday. Sadly it did not get much better, but good things did happen around it. Like Michael’s parents called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that my gift was in the mail.

Jeff woke me up by screeching in my face, which is not a good way to wake up with a migraine, but his sweet little smile after melted my heart and I could not be mad that he basically just screamed in my face as loud as he could. LOL.

He is growing up so fast! He is already pulling himself to his feet and trying to take steps. Sigh. I do miss that sweet little boy he was once. He is amazing and so loving. When he sees me he gets this big smile on his face and he screams in delight! How could I not love that??!?!

Today was spent with my boys here at the house just relaxing and in my case just trying to get rid of the headache. We are having steak for dinner. I was going to make cupcakes, but I don’t really think I can handle that right now, perhaps tomorrow.

Well, I need to go lay back down, thanks for all the birthday wishes!


Decisions Made and Decisions Thought About

Life lately has been hectic for me. Not enough sleep, not eating well enough or even enough. I am tired almost every single day and now I am fighting off something. Ugh! I am not getting enough anything to actually make myself feel better. Taking my prenatal vitamins and drinking OJ everyday to try and kick what ever this is out. I am trying to deal with this like an adult, but honestly all I wanna do is pitch a fit and take a nap! Apparently being an adult is lost on me.

I feel like a total loser because hubby has worked like 69 hours already this pay period and I am so exhausted that I can’t even remember normal things like name, rank and serial number. I wanna beg him for one day that I can just sleep and not have any responsibilities, but I feel that would be so very unfair as he has worked all week as well. Sigh. No help near by either. His family is in California and mine, well, they are not speaking to me.

I am so sorry for my whiny tone, but I am sick. I am tired. If you were looking for a intelligent blog post, well, maybe tomorrow or the day after that. I have been thinking about homeschooling Jeff when he gets old enough to go to pre school (which is about 2 years old depending on the kid). I keep seeing and hearing about how horrible the school system is and honestly with my first son and all the learning issues he went through and all I went though to help him get the help he needed, I would just love to bypass all that garbage this time.

So, far all his family has been wonderful about our decision to do this. I do have a plan, mostly I will home school preschool and pre Kindergarten and if that works out well, then I will continue on. My goal is to never have to enroll him in public schools and honestly with all the horrible violence and crap going on in the school systems these days, this seems like the more safer and intelligent option. I am trying to be the best mom I can be and give my son the best education I can.

Life is sure different these days! Hubby may have to have surgery to reconstruct his ACL, okay not only reconstruct but actually add another one. He hurt himself nine years ago in the Active duty Army and they did NOTHING to fix it. So, now he has NO ACL. He has scar tissue where it is supposed to be. He has reinjured it multiple times and nothing was ever done until now. He will be fitted with an ACL brace and then the options will be given to him. Our best scenario plan is he has surgery and continues in the military. The other option is for him to be medically discharged.

We have money options for both to consider. So lots going on here! I have missed blogging but never have much time to actually sit down and write. I am trying to make time for me to do the things I love so I won’t go crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, but honestly, I am still adjusting to this new life. Jeff is now 5 months old and progressing so very quickly! He is amazing every single day. It blows me away!

Well, I am going to run for now..


Life is Grand

I have let this blog lay dormant for a while because I have been mommy blogging lately. Jeff is now four months old and progressing so very quickly! I honestly am not sure exactly where the time went! I came back here because honestly I did miss blogging for me and me alone. What I mean by that is I am not updating family with this blog, this is where I can write for me. I can say what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I love keeping Michael’s family updated on what is happening with pictures and words, but I miss just sitting down with my lap top and writing about what ever comes into my head. So, here I am today.

Today is Michael’s birthday and he is working. He finally found a job that gives him decent hours and pay. He works like 16-18 hours a day most days but I know he does it for us. If I were to put Jeff in daycare, then find a job, my paycheck would be eaten by daycare basically. So, right now, I am a Stay at Home Mom. Honestly, that is the hardest job I have ever had. Especially now.

Life is good right now and I am happy. I am still in constant pain every single day, but I am working on that. My doctor has told me if I lose approximately ten pounds that it would make a huge difference. So, I am struggling to lose weight again. If it does not help, then we move forward with more medical tests to find out what is going on with me. I am still so very tired, but now I have an infant to show for it and people seem to understand better why I am tired all the time.

Things between Michael and I were tested by his mother of all people earlier this week. She did not know that she was walking on thin ice, but we got through it and are better because of it. We talked about the issue at hand which had something to do with his ex-wife and we got through it with no problem. My relationship with Michael is so different than those before it, we actually communicate with each other. Take the time to talk about things and make sure that we are on the same page as it were. I tell him everything and don’t keep secrets, something that I have never done before. It is nice to be able to tell him everything.

Well, I gotta run, Jeff is playing my song!


Big Changes

Jeffery MichaelSo, since Sunday my life has turned upside down! I can not believe that I now have a son. He is amazingly perfect and I have not really ever felt so bonded with a child in my life! I just look at him sometimes and I am amazed that he is mine. I have a second chance that I have wanted to prove that I am a good mom. Yeah, I made mistakes with my other kids and I know I will make mistakes with him, but I think I am more able to handle being a mom now than I was then.  I have more patience now and I have more experience under my belt as well. 

I have been back and forth to the doctor with him since we got him out of the hospital. I actually have to go back today at 3:15. He is jaundiced and had to stay an extra night to do light therapy. He still looks rather yellow and they did another blood test yesterday. The number was way under the light therapy limit, but up from when we left the hospital.

I am trying to breast feed him, but because I had to leave him in the hospital they supplemented with formula and gave him a pacifier. Which when you are trying to teach your baby to breast feed, they are not really supposed to have. So, now I am seeing a lactation nurse to help him to relearn to breast feed. Before he had to do light therapy he was breast feeding like a rock star!

To say that it is frustrating it an understatement. I am going to work on it. My soon to be in-laws are amazing! They are so wonderful and have sent so much to Jeff already. Tonight we are supposed to Skype with them so they can see him. They live in California, so it is not like they are close. Hopefully the doctor appointment goes well today. I am so tired of going there already!

I have my own appointment next month to get checked out. He was born breach, so that was hard on mom’s body. Michael was here when he was born as he was in a hurry to get here and was born at home! No drugs! So I feel after that, I can do anything… Well, I need to run..


Lots Been Happening

I have not been around lately because well, let’s face it, life has a way of happening and screwing up the best laid plans. There is something that I heard that has always rang true for me and that is “Man plans, God laughs”. If that is true, then I must have been truly hilarious lately. An update on the issues with the construction stuff going on, the roofing company has said that they are not responsible for the over $1,000 electric bill we are looking at now with all the late fees and charges. I am inclined to believe them because they were only here for a week or so. The siding company however, is another story altogether. Apparently they have been plugging into vacant apartments and running up $100 bills there. Of course they are denying that they are doing it. Seriously. Now, they are saying that the meters for the electric company must be wrong. So the property management company for this place had a tech come out this morning to look at the meters to make sure they are okay. In any case, if the meters are damaged, it is their fault because they have been around pulling siding off and replacing it. They messed up the outside socket for the electric for this apartment and they messed up the light right outside the front door too. Need I say more?

Personally, I think that they are just trying to get out of paying the bill that they created. I am waiting to hear what the outcome of the meter inspection is as of now. I am contemplating complaining about this company to the local BBB. I want people to know what kind of company these people are. I am tired of dealing with this and I am so over it!!

Other than that, it has been pretty good here except that we both were sick. That was a trial, but better now finally. We had some issues with money because of all the electric bill issues. They are back under control now and thanks to Army Boy’s parents who helped us a great deal, it is all taken care of. Which makes me happy. All of this crap has made my PTSD worst and honestly I was not on FB or really even talking to anyone much. I had nothing to say. It was hard getting through all that.

Army Boy has gotten me back into WoW (World of War craft) So, I have been there playing a lot lately. It is nice to take out my frustration on things to kill in the game. I am sleeping better some days. Which is helpful. Well, I am going to run.