I have not really spoken much about myself here on this blog and for that I apologize. I know that people like to know something about the person who they are getting to see the inside scoop on, so let me fix that today.
Let me begin with this statement, my son was the first blood related relative that I have ever had contact with. I will let you think about that for a moment, then explain. I was adopted at three months old. I never knew or had any contact with anyone from my biological family what so ever. In fact, when I was in my late 20’s and went searching as much as someone can do from another state and no computer or Internet yet, I found that my adoption records had been destroyed in a fire at the children’s services building where I was adopted out of. This wonderfully kind woman did happen to find my ORIGINAL birth certificate for me and sent it to me with a note. Now, let me tell you, had it not been totally blank except for the parts that needed to be filled in, I would have been on my way to finding my birth parents. However, there was no mothers name, in fact, there was no name for me on this thing. I was devastated, all I could think about was that my birth mother was in such a hurry to give me up that naming me was a burden to her.
In fact, about a year later I was digging through my adoptive mom’s records and such and came across a letter from my foster mom, who had to name me something so she named me Christine. Although apparently she could not even sign her name to that letter it was nice to know that someone cared enough to actually give me a name. So, that is how I started my life, a nameless, unwanted baby girl. Now, I have to be fair to my birth mother here, she was 17 years old, so yeah I get why she gave me up. Most likely under immense pressure from her family to do so. I get it, I do. In some ways, I guess I am grateful too.
Growing up constantly having to explain to people why I do not look like the rest of my family was difficult and I always felt like I did not belong because of it. Now, honestly I am grateful I am not really related by blood to those people. I will explain that statement too. My adoptive parents divorced when I was 4 and it was NASTY. I never saw my adoptive dad after I was like 7 years old. He remarried and ended up with 3 step sons, whom he apparently COULD be a father to. Yeah, I know I sound bitter and sometimes I am, I guess.
My mother (adoptive) turned out to be the drama queen from hell. She was hell bent to make everyone’s life around her miserable. I am not sure if she knew how to even be happy at all. She thrived and still thrives on drama 24/7 and if there is none, she makes it happen. It was hard living with that all my life. So, at 31 I decided I had enough. I picked up, packed what I could fit in my car, left for Michigan without telling anyone and have not looked back. It has been 9 years now and it was probably the best thing I did to save myself.
But let me back up… I got myself pregnant at 17 ( sound familiar?) ended up marrying the guy. I was married from 17 and divorced at 19. The years I was married be was abusive mentally and physically. It was very bad. Took me a long time to get back to some kind of normalcy. After I fled Florida for Michigan, I hooked up with a guy who had I been paying attention, I would have known he was all wrong for me. I spent 8 years of my life with him. When I left I was relieved. Not sad. Just glad I was gone. I spent 8 years of my life with someone who thought it was okay to lie about EVERYTHING big or little. He had a little addiction to porn too, which made my life hell.
I met my husband online in a game that we played together. We became friends and then more. He is the most patient man which is good for me. He is very loving and honest. We talk about everything all the time. I am so happy and honestly never thought life with another person could be so great.
I hold 2 degrees in psychology and I also have been diagnosed with PTSD. My life has been horribly painful emotionally and physically. I am still standing a fighting today. I am here to tell you that you can be strong and you can live life on your own terms. I felt like I needed to write this entry today because someone somewhere needed to know it is POSSIBLE to live life as your own person.