Almost a week ago I turned 39. While it was a nice and quiet day with just Army Boy and myself, I had a small issue with the fact that I just turned 39 and in my eyes had nothing to show for my life thus far. I mentioned it to him because honestly he could see that something was clearly distressing me and he wanted to know what it was. I explained to him what I just said and he looked at me as if I had all of a sudden turned purple and grew another head.
He gently reminded me of all the soldiers I had adopted and all of the people who I had helped. That I had many friends who love me (this was in evidence on my FB page with all the birthday wishes) and while I do agree with him, I actually thought that my life would be different by now. As much as I love Army Boy and yes we do have a wonderful life, I guess that I would have more to show for my life at this point. He had some great points that made me feel better.
On the health front, I have not been feeling any better. In fact, I think I am getting sick and I am so tired. This weekend is Drill weekend for Army Boy, so it is my weekend alone for most of the time. I don’t really mind it because it is good for me to have time without him around. I am thinking it is time for a nap.
Lately I have been trying to settle into my new reality. It has been more difficult that I would or could have ever imagined. I am taking things one day at a time, or rather one hour at a time since I never know what will happen one hour till the next. Yesterday I was clothed in a long sleeved shirt, long pants, and socks… All day. Inside my house. Where the temperature is controllable. Had anyone walked into the house they would have found the inside temperature to be comfortable and normal. I do not have my air set at 50 degrees thank you very much. Although, honestly that is what it felt like to me. Army Boy asked if I wanted him to turn the air up so it would be warmer, I really wanted to say YES, but it would have not been fair to him because it was a normal temperature inside already and since he tends to be on the hot side already, I said no and put more clothes on.
I feel like my body is rebelling against me at every turn these days. This is my new reality. The fact that I have to decide between doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen or having enough energy to actually shower in a day is frustrating to me to say the very least. I am so very tired all the time. I need naps almost every single day. I know people who would say they would love to take a nap, but it gets so bad that I can’t even keep my eyes open sometimes and I have no choice in the matter anymore.
I am working very hard to not get frustrated with myself these days, to go with the flow as it were. I fail at that all the time lately. I just have to learn to breathe and let it go. Something that I am not really all that good at yet. I keep fighting, every hour, every day, all the time. I can not give up.
Don’t get me wrong, there is good news in my life. Army Boy and I found out it will only cost about $35 for a marriage certificate here where we live. A lot less than I thought it would be. So, this is totally do able for us and maybe soon I might have some major news to share!
So, for now, I am off to just do what I do and maybe a nap in a bit.