A Little Digging

Today I went to Web MD to look at my symptoms that I am experiencing on a daily basis. Let me start by saying that I am not the kind of girl who goes to Web MD often to look at symptoms. Lately I have been having a difficult time doing everyday things without feeling like I need a nap. Just taking a shower makes me tired and honestly I can barely do anything these days.

I am so frustrated by all this and I figured that if I went to look and find out the possibilities when I go the doctor I can explain in detail so that we can find out what is wrong with me. I took a shower and washed my hair last night, things I used to take for granted but I can’t anymore and I was totally exhausted afterwards. Just doing normal things in my day makes me so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

I have been leaning heavily on my Army Boy and that in itself is difficult for me because I feel like I should be doing more. I am trying to push through all this but some days I can barely handle looking at my computer. So, now I am just trying to balance the things I want to do with the energy that I have. Some days I do pretty well, others not so much.

There were a few things that this could possibly be, although I am not saying definitely, but now I have an idea or two and there were some tips on how to cope, so I am going to try these to see if they help me out. One of the possibilities you need to deal with for at least four months before they will diagnose you with it. Not sure I can deal with all these symptoms for that long.

Well, I am going to run, I am tired again..

-Ciao

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Not Sure What to Think

My ex in Michigan, I suppose he is more of an ex-roommate than an ex-boyfriend was evicted from the apartment that we lived in together this past Thursday. The reason that I am just now talking about it is because I just now found out about it via email buried in my inbox.

The strange thing about this is that I had the electric turned off on 9/12. It is now 9/21. He never mentioned that the power was off  any of his recent communications. So, that tells me he was not there. I am thinking he moved out and forgot to tell me and then was like, oh yeah. Well, I figured it out.

Now the part I am unsure of. He was in my life for nearly eight years and he was not all that horrible. Some horrible things were said on his part, but I wish nothing bad on him. I do feel sorry that he was or is being evicted, kind of like I would feel about any other person losing their place to live. I have no more emotional attachment to him. Even when I thought he was not paying the bills, there was no venom in me. Just a sad resignation that I should have known better. So far he has held up his part, but this is not over yet.

When this is over and the last part of the bill is paid, I will move on and not look back because there is nothing there for me anymore. We ceased being friends a long time ago and I think that neither of us wanted to admit it. Well, I finally made the move that needed to be made and of course I am the bad guy for doing so. Fine, I am the bad guy. I have the life I have always looked for and I will trade that for being the bad guy in a relationship that was over years ago.

It is hard sometimes to admit when something has run it’s course. It is even harder to get up and walk away when you are comfortable there and know what to expect. I did it. Finally. I am much better for it and I am sure he will be too in time. Although I am sure he doesn’t see it that way. Someone had to make the call and he was not going to so I did. I am much better for it.

Now that I have gotten that out of my head, time for some ice cream I think. A small celebration for my freedom.

-Ciao!

What is Going On

PTSD ribbon I know I have been absent lately here and on Everything but the Kitchen Sink, I have been dealing with some health issues that I am not quite sure what they are. Some days I am just so damn tired that I can hardly do anything. Some days I can do some stuff around the house, but not nearly as much as I could before. I have had to lean heavily on Army Boy and that frustrates me. He says he does not mind, but I do.

Hopefully I will have enough money to go see a doctor because right now I don’t have insurance and until Army Boy and I get married, I can’t go to the VA for health care. It is really a vicious circle here. I won’t bore you with details of my health issues, but I am battling everyday and not giving up.

It would almost be easier if I was suffering from depression but that is not it at all. I am not sad, in fact, I am the happiest I have ever been lately. In other news, Army Boy has lost 30 pounds over the last few months! I am so very proud of him! He is doing fantastic!!

I am going to go for now, I will try to get back here and the cooking blog more often.

-Ciao!

One of THOSE Days…

When I woke up today, I was feeling kind of good. Finally a wake up without pain anywhere. I should know to not log into Facebook first thing because of the 100% chance that someone would post something stupid and I would instantly go into my you’re-an-idiot-mode. However, it took me about five minutes to find that first idiotic post and that is a record for me, usually they are right at the top of my time line. Sigh.

I log into the game that I play and was instantly smacked in the face with the one person who I was looking forward to not seeing until tonight on my game. She is holding court in chat. Ugh. Sadly I would love to turn it off or make that little box go away but there is no way for that to happen, which I think needs to change and soon! Mouth (obviously not her real name) is going on and on about something and my brain is not awake enough to figure it out yet, so I am still blissfully unaware of what she is screeching about.

Her and her cronies, tend to get on my nerves because they are kids, albeit, not 10 or 11 but in relation to my age kids. They have verbal sex in chat and think it is okay. Ugh. I can not unread some of the crap they have posted and I wish to God someone would invent brain bleach for this exact purpose. Normally Mouth is in class, as she is in college, but not today. Sigh. People like this make me wonder about our educational system today. I hear stories of people making it to high school not being able to read in some cases. She made it to college with out learning the English language, how is this possible?!?!

No, she is not an English as a second language person, she was born here, but can not make coherent sentences or spell even the most basic words correctly. Which as I will tell you at any time makes my Grammar Nazi go insane. My Grammar Nazi, is this voice inside my head screaming, SHE IS MURDERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!!! Usually in the voice of a demon aching to be released to dish out punishment of the most severe type. I tend to keep him under control most days which is a good thing as well, it can get kind of awkward when I release him to roam and he eats the people who murder English. I fear one day I will no longer have anyone to communicate with. So I usually bite my tongue when I am verbally assaulted with text speak and other variations of the English language.

I do not mean to make you think that I am intolerant, this is not the case. I simply want people to actually speak in sentences that I can understand and do not have to spend twenty minutes trying to figure out what you are trying to say to me , I am sorry I left my stupid people decoder ring in my other pajamas. I am tired of feeling old, when in reality I am a thirty-something woman. I feel like I have landed on Mars sometimes. All I ask is for sentences, complete ones please, with the moderate ability to spell. Is that too much to ask? I think it is these days because no one writes anymore. By writes I mean pen to paper, you know long hand… Yes, I will wait while you Google it. Sigh.

I play these games for fun, most of the time it is fun. I sometimes wonder if it is me. If I am the one that is out of place and I have come to the conclusion that I am. I come from a time where being polite is normal, where not showing all you have in public, both literally and figuratively was a good thing. I long for those days again but I am afraid that they have gone the way of the dinosaur.

I thank you for reading my rant and understanding that I too am headed the way of the dinosaur. Before I leave, I wanted to leave you with something that I read on Cappy’s Blog today. ” I honestly heard someone ask someone else why people kept talking about this cereal war. Because Obama is really concerned about chemical weapons in cereal. Tell those Mini Wheats to knock it off!”  This is what our country has become… Think about this for a minute.  I leave you with this final thought, the kid that is talking about the cereal war, he is a leader of tomorrow.

-Ciao

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This photo was made by a friend on my Facebook page, she is very talented with things like this and I have a number of them saved. I will pull some out once in a while to share. Today my 16 year old daughter who up until last weekend has not spoken to me in a long time, shared that she passed a test she had to take today for school. In that small thing, it made my heart sing! She has not told me that she hates me, or that I am a bitch, or to leave her alone. All great things for me.

It is a very painful story and situation, but I am working hard to resolve my end of it. Yes, I made mistakes and yes I regret them. Sadly a lot of things came into play and I did not know how to deal with it. I have a very painful past and honestly it has colored how I see and do things. I have gotten help and now I am able to work with it and I am okay. Now comes the hard part healing others that have been hurt by me.

I love that she is choosing to share these things with me and hopefully it continues. I don’t deserve it but I will take it! I am trying day by day. Well, I am going to run.

-Ciao!

No Sleep Till…. I Fall Over!

It has been said in many medical and psychological journals that the lack of sleep changes your brain. Since I actually hold a degree in psychology, I am here to say it is true. Your body needs a certain amount of sleep to function, but it will adapt over time to less sleep. I know this because I also suffer from insomnia as well. When you try to explain to people about insomnia, the kind that I have suffered from for years, the look at you like you are mad! Maybe in some way I am, but there was a time in my life that I worked 3rd shift at a convenience store, came home, got the kids ready for school, cleaned up the house and made sure dinner was planned. By this time, it was usually 11am or noon and then I laid down for a nap, about three hours before the kids came back through the door from school and we had to get snacks and homework. Once that was completed, dinner needed to be started and then the ex came home from work. Finishing homework and baths after dinner, then the bed time ritual started. It was 9pm at this point and I had to start getting ready for work at 10pm.  The summer was infinitely more complicated because the kids were home and I was still working.  Although after the first day of trying to work all night and be up for the kids all day I did go to my boss and explain my situation. 

He was understanding up to a point. So I agreed to work Friday night and Saturday night as well as delivery night, which was Wednesday. I had recently trained someone for my shift so that he could take my regular days off during a normal week, so it was a good thing. He had mentioned that he needed the hours and I needed fewer hours. My boss, decided to make me the Lead Customer Service Associate for our store, which came with a small raise in pay. Then he proceeded to teach me how to do the bank deposits for Friday and Saturday. So I was getting almost my normal amount of hours and I would not lose a lot of my paycheck which we needed. 

It was a hard time coupled with my ex and I were not getting along at all. Not sleeping and honestly fighting with him over stupid stuff took its toll. I left shortly after that. These days my life is not that crazy, but I am still suffering from insomnia and on a day like today I feel like I went through all that again. I am exhausted. I look like I have not slept in days. I try to keep as much stress out of my life as possible but these days it is not that easy. So here is to good sleep and may we all get some very soon! 

-Ciao!